As a parent of a child with ADHD (and suspected undiagnosed comobidities), there are moments when I feel like I’m running on fumes-physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But when my child begins to impulsively destroy her own belongings -or worse, other people’s- I find myself spiraling into anger, confusion, and despair.

If you’re reading this and nodding through tears, please know you’re not alone. And you’re not a bad parent. ADHD, especially when paired with intense impulsivity and emotional dysregulation, can turn everyday family life into a battleground.

WHAT DOES THIS BEHAVIOR LOOK LIKE?
-Destroying toys, clothes, or pretty much anything in the heat of frustration or boredom.
-Damaging siblings’ or parents’ belongings, often without showing remorse.
-A lack of connection between action and consequences -even after repeated discipline or talks.
-Moments of intense rage followed by emotional shutdowns or complete denial.

Why Is This Happening?

This kind of behavior is often rooted in a few overlapping ADHD traits:

Impulsivity: The “act now, think later” brain wiring means your child might smash a tablet (mine has) before even realizing she is mad.
Emotional Dysregulation: Intense emotions hit fast and hard. Your child may feel a tidal wave of frustration or rejection they simply can’t manage.
Low Frustration Tolerance: Minor annoyances can feel catastrophic.
Delayed Executive Functioning: Understanding consequences, managing emotions, and thinking before acting are still developing-often much more slowly than in neurotypical peers.

What to Try When It Feels Like Nothing Helps

If you’re like me you’ve tried every sticker chart, consequences, yelling and a “calm voice” , and nothing seems to work. Take a breath. Try again with compassion for yourself and your child. I am talking to myself as well. My friends often tell me they don’t know how I can have so much patience when my child misbehaves so much on a daily basis. I honestly don’t know the true answer but here are some strategies to consider:

1. Shift from Punishment to Problem-Solving: instead of reacting with anger, approach the situation like a detective. Ask questions that help your child assess the state of their emotions and help build awareness of their triggers before they destroyed the item or had the meltdown.
“What did you feel in your body right before you did (fill in the blank)?
“What were you hoping would happen when you threw your brother’s toy?”

2.Set Up a Destruction-Safe Zone : some kids need to break something to release energy or anger. Provide safe outlets…

-Old boxes to stomp, paper to rip, sensory tools like stress balls or foam bricks or crash pillows. Teaching a safe alternative doesn’t excuse the behaviors, but it redirects them.

3.Create a Consistent Calm-Down Plan: Build a calm-down routine with your child when they aren’t upset. Write it down. Use visuals. Practice it like a fire drill.
Breath deeply, squeeze a pillow, crash into a bean bag, go to a “cool-off” corner… Consistency and practice are key. I, myself, need to be more consistent with this one.

4.Limit access to Valuables (Without Shame): Until regulation improves, protect what matters. Store shared/family belongings in a separate and secure area. Use natural consequences without shame by telling tour child that the items are important to others so they’ll stay put up for now.

5.Reinforce Empathy-Later: In the heat of the moment, your child may show no remorse. In most cases, that’s not because they don’t care-it’s because they literally can’t access that emotion mid-meltdown. Wait until they are calm.
“How would you feel if someone broke your toys or ripped your favorite drawing?”

6.Therapy-For Them and You: A child therapist in ADHD and behavior issues can be life-changing. So can a therapist for you. You’re dealing with emotional burnout, and your feelings matter too.

7.Medicarion Check: If your child is already on ADHD medication and you’re still seeing severe impulsive destruction, it might be time to revisit the dosage or type with their doctor. If they are not on meds, it may be worth considering. This is the stage I am in with my daughter.

When You’re at Tour Wits End

It’s okay to feel defeated. It’s okay to cry behind the bathroom door. I have cried many a time. It’s also okay to say,” This is too much right now.”

Your child’s behavior is not a reflection of your worth as a parent. It’s a reflection of an overwhelmed nervous system in a child who needs more support than most.

You are doing a hard job with love and grit. Keep going. Keep asking for help. Every child is a work in progress- including yours. Including you. I’m talking to myself as well.